In February, our school is focusing on the character trait “respect”.
Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, wrote an article published in “Green Child Magazine” that I thought might be useful. It offers several ways of teaching children to be more respectful at home. Here is an excerpt:
“The most effective ways to teach respect address the four most common reasons children are disrespectful, rude, smart-alecky or back talk:
-They didn’t get what they wanted.
-They are angry.
-They think it’s funny; see it as a joke.
-They think it’s okay because they hear their friends, other adults, and/or people in the media talk that way.
You will want to address your child in a clear, concise, and respectful way that specifically resolves the reason for the behavior for that child in that moment. [While at the same time] modeling and teaching respect. Here is your universal formula for an effective response:
In one sentence,
1.Acknowledge the child’s feelings or wants, and
2.Express your concern about how the child expressed those feelings or desires.
In your second sentence,
Offer an acceptable way for the child to be heard. Although responses may differ slightly based on the root issue, here are examples for each reason above:
When children are disrespectful because they don’t get what they want:
–Acknowledge what it is they want and state that they need to ask in a respectful way.
-Teach them what that sounds like, if you haven’t already.
-Tell them the answer is definitely “no” if they ask disrespectfully. If they do ask respectfully, you are at least willing to consider the request and might grant it, depending on what it is.
When children are disrespectful because they are angry:
–Acknowledge that you understand they are angry and why (if you know why).
–Say you are willing to listen to their concerns, but you only communicate with people who speak respectfully to you.
–Tell them how you want them to express their anger or opinions appropriately. Give them the exact words to use.
–Tell them you are willing to listen when they are willing to talk respectfully.
–Then disengage or calmly walk away.
When children are disrespectful because they think it’s a joke:
-Acknowledge that they may think it’s funny, but since it’s disrespectful it could hurt someone’s feelings. Jokes make people feel good; they don’t hurt people.
-Suggest that it would be nice if they apologize or make amends, but don’t force the issue.
-Drop the subject. Any further attention will reinforce the negative behavior.
When children are disrespectful because friends/adults/media talk like that:
-Acknowledge that they might talk to their friends that way or hear other people talk that way but “in this family we treat all people with respect.”
-Say that while you’d prefer they talk to all people respectfully, you realize you can’t prevent them from talking this way to their friends. You do expect, however, that they talk to their family members, extended family and the general public with respect.
-Tell them they need to learn “discretion” to know who they can talk to like that. If they show you that they can’t control when they talk like this, it’s a sign they’ve been spending too much time with people who do talk like this. Therefore, they are showing you they need to spend less time with those people and their social time will be cut back.
-It’s their choice whether they continue to spend social time with friends, based on whether they can show you they can talk respectfully to others.
So the next time your child gives you lip, remember to keep your own lips closed long enough to take a deep breath. Figure out for which of the above reasons your child is being disrespectful. Then respond (not react) helpfully, using the suggestions above, so that you will be modeling and teaching respect.”
This month I (Mrs. Ross) will be reading “Chrysanthemum” by Kevin Henkes to the kindergarten, “The Invisible Boy” by Patrice Barton to grades 1-3, and “Just Kidding” by Trudy Ludwig to grades 4-5.
